Aug 302013
 

Need something to do? Want to see lots of kewl folks and have lots of fun? Here is your list of stuff to go get into!

1) Friday Aug 30 UCLSE Friends Helping Friends Show from 5-10 @ the Eagle

2) Monday Sept 2 (Labor Day) 12-4: UCLSE Brianna’s Backyard BBQ @ Hidden Door

3) Tuesday Sept 3 from 7-9 is the NLA General Meeting at the John Thomas Center

4) Wednesday Sept 4 from 7-10 is the T-Bears Club Night at the Hidden Door

5) Friday Sept 6 from 10-12 is Discipline Corps Bar Night at the Eagle.

6) Saturday Sept 7 UCLSE Grand Duckies Show from 7-10 @ Eagle

7) Sunday Sept 8 DC Play Party 12-6 sponsor &/or tickets required (see Fri bar night)

*Trinity River Bears Sunday in Ft Worth: 12:30 Brunch @ Café Brazil on Berry St, 2pm Club meeting @ Reflections, 4pm BBQ @ Reflections and 7-9 PWA Fundraiser @ Reflections

**TGRA Dallas Chapter Meeting from 1:30-3:30 @ Round Up Saloon

*** UCLSE-EC Meeting from 1:30-3 at Youth First Texas followed by their General Membership meeting from 3-5

**** TGRA monthly cookout from 3:30-6 @ Hidden Door

8) Monday Sept 9 the Leather Knights Membership Meeting; 7:30 to 9:30 @ Youth First Texas

9) Friday Sept 13 from 7-10 is TGRA Dallas Retro Rodeo @ Hidden Door

10) Saturday Sept 14 from 6-10 is UCLSE Messy’s Gay Pride Show @ Hidden Door

11) Sunday Sept 15 from 8:30-10 the TGRA Alan Ross Festival Beer Booth

As always the NTXCC Community Calendar is up and ready to help you plan your fun.

http://www.ntxcc.org/cms/community-calendar#year=2013&month=5&day=1&view=month

Just click that link to see the calendar. If you want more info just click on the entry and get the details. If you have anything that should be added to the community calendar drop a line with the details to me at leo@nladallas.org and I will send them along to be listed.

Go, support, and be a part of your community! Hope to see you!

Boy Leo

Aug 262013
 

Shrink Rap! (September 2013)

Dennis C. Hartzog, M.Ed., LPC

Hi! Welcome to “Shrink Rap!” My hope is that this monthly column will be a safe place to discuss issues related to having a safe and healthy Kink/Leather/BDSM relationship. I encourage you to submit any questions you may have, or issues that you would like to see discussed to my website: www.Dchartzoglpc.com. You do not have to divulge your name or scene name, and can remain anonymous. If you go to the “Contact Me” page, just fill the first three boxes with “X’s” and put your question or issue in the message box and I will get it.

QUESTION:

I’ve been with the same person for a while now. At times he gets worked up about little things that have nothing to do with our being in the community. I make the decisions in our house and handle the money (we both work). He agreed to that years ago. Two years ago he decided to go back to school and work on his degree. It keeps him busy and makes him happy, but he’s over forty and I think it is just another of his foolish dreams that won’t ever pay off. I agreed to it even though it takes time away from his duties around the house and his service to me. Three weeks ago I found a jet ski that I wanted so I bought it. He was OK with that until he found out that I used money that was being saved for registering for the fall term at the community college. Now he’s ticked off and says that I had no right to use money that we’d agreed would be for his classes. He was disrespectful and overstepped. Now he’s just being silly and says that from now on he’s going to control his money and contribute to joint expenses! I was within my rights as Master to use that money as I wanted. Which of us wins this one?

ANSWER:

Healthy relationships aren’t about who wins. They are about respect, effective communication, acceptance, and feeling safe and valued by your spouse, partner, Master/slave, etc. You and your slave entered into an agreement two years ago about his returning to college. You also agreed on money being allocated to pay for his educational expenses. Those agreements have the same importance and merit as any Master/slave agreements you both may have entered into and deserve to be treated with the same respect and compliance. An agreement is just that….an agreement which is in force as long as all parties are in agreement with its provisions. You are the one who broke that agreement. In doing so, you also violated his trust. Regardless of his role in your relationship, he is now within his rights to make new choices and decisions about how he wants his income handled. You opened the door to renegotiation on this issue, and he has decided to walk through it.

There are six types of Domestic Violence. When you decided to use the money that you both had agreed would be for his college expenses, your behavior was economically/financially abusive.

Economic/Financial Abuse Includes:
1. Withholding economic resources such as money or credit cards, creating financial dependence.
2. Stealing from or defrauding the victim of money or assets.
3. Exploiting the victim’s resources for personal gain.
4. Withholding physical resources such as food, clothes, necessary medications, or shelter from the victim.
5. Preventing the victim from working, choosing an occupation, or
obtaining an education.

The content and tone of your question also indicates that you have resentments about your slave wanting to further his education. Your comments about his returning to college taking time away from his duties around the house and service to you also suggest that you may be feeling abandoned or fearful of his commitment to you. Knowingly spending the money that you both had agreed would be used for his education may have been your way of sabotaging that choice. Rather than view this as a “who wins” situation, it seems like a great time for the both of you to sit down and disuses your individual needs and goals, and see if you can come to a new agreement about the structure of your relationship. It can be seen as a time for change, growth, and recommitment that will enrich rather than diminish the bound between you.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Aug 262013
 

The NLA Dallas Domestic Violence Project Team: Lex, Beth, Artemis, Rob, Hardy, Jim R. and I are on schedule with the development of our training module for The National Domestic Violence Hotline staff in Austin. Team members work well together and have a good balance of knowledge of the Kink/Leather/BDSM community, training experience, knowledge of data-resources available for our work, and clinical mental health experience.

New “NLA Dallas Domestic Violence Project” marketing outreach cards have been printed and will be at various locations in Dallas for the Dallas Gay Pride Parade, “Fall Frollic”, and “BV.”

The “Survey on Intimate Partner Abuse Among Practitioners of BDSM/Leather/Kink Lifestyles” is on three national websites: “NCFS”, “The Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance”, and the “NLA Dallas” website. Information about the Survey has been e-mailed to Kink/Leather/BDSM organizations in NYC, Chicago, Atlanta, and San Francisco. Flyers will be available at Folsom Street Fair in SF (09-29-13), and at Beyond Vanilia (09-21 to23-13).
the National Domestic Violence Hotline (a federally chartered project), the National Dating Abuse Helpline, and the Texas Domestic Violence Hotline are all co-located in Austin. that the National

Invitation to Participate in a “Needs Assessment Survey on Intimate Partner Abuse Among Practitioners of BDSM/Leather/Kink Lifestyles”

All interested individuals who are involved in BDSM/Leather/Kink lifestyles are invited to participate in a survey about intimate partner abuse. The purpose of this survey is to gather information regarding the quality of experiences had by those who sought help from domestic violence service providers, or those who wanted to seek help, but did not do so. The overall goal is to help service providers and outreach educators improve the quality of information, responses and interventions regarding the unique needs and experiences of individuals who live a BDSM, Leather or kinky lifestyle.

You are invited to take the survey whether or not you have been involved in an abusive relationship because the survey will collect basic demographic information about those who engage in BDSM, Leather and/or kink, as well.

The survey link is available here: https://www.psychdata.com/s.asp?SID=155554

The survey will take approximately 25-35 minutes to complete.

Please respond no later than January 31, 2014.

Your participation is voluntary. All responses are anonymous. However, there is potential risk of loss of confidentiality in all email, downloading and internet transactions. The final results of this study will be used for research and may also be published in a summary format in a peer-reviewed journal.

If you have any questions about the survey, please contact Elizabeth Fawcett, Ph.D., M.P.H., at efawcett@mail.twu.edu. This study has been reviewed according to accepted Institutional Review Board (IRB) procedures for research involving human subjects, and approved. If you have questions about the rights of research participants or the way this study is being conducted, you may contact Texas Woman’s University Office of Research and Sponsored Programs at 940-898-3378 or via email at IRB@twu.edu.
Domestic Violence Hotline (a federally chartered project), the National Dating Abuse Helpline, and the Texas Domestic Violence Hotline are all co-located in Austin.

Respectfully submitted,

Dennis C. Hartzog, M.Ed., LPC
NLA Dallas DVP Chairperson

Aug 132013
 

Go fourth, young at heart type person, and enjoy! Get out into your community and spread your love and good cheer among those who will give it back! Here is your list of stuff to go get into!

 

1) Saturday Aug 17 UCLSE Summer Revival Show from 6-10 @ The Eagle

* Leather Knights “Leather Night” from 10-12 @ The Eagle

2) Sunday Aug 18 NTXCC Quarterly Meeting from 12-2 @ Club Reflections

*UCLSE Leather & Lace Show from 7-10 @ The Eagle

3) Wednesday Aug 21 SLUTS Club night from 8-10 at the Hidden Door

*Trinity River Bears: Rhonda Mae’s Wall of Food Show from 9-11 at Club Changes in FW

4) Friday Aug 23 from 5-10 is the UCLSE Rob Hickman’s “No Show” Show at the Eagle

5) Saturday Aug 24 TGRA-Dallas Classic Country & Dinner from 7-10 @ the Hidden Door

*UCLSE “Knights of the Roundtable” Show from 7-10 @ the Eagle

6) Sunday Aug 25 UCLSE Devon Devasques Show from 7-10 @ the Eagle

7) Tuesday Aug 27 NLA-Dallas EC meeting from 7-9 @ the Resource Center

8) Wednesday Aug 28 UCLSE Club Night from 7:30-10:30 @ the Hidden Door

9) Friday Aug 31 UCLSE Friends Helping Friends Show from 5-10 @ the Eagle

10) Sunday Sept 2 UCLSE Brianna’s Backyard BBQ from 12pm-4pm @ Hidden Door

 

As always the NTXCC Community Calendar is up and ready to help you plan your fun.

http://www.ntxcc.org/cms/community-calendar#year=2013&month=5&day=1&view=month

 

Just click that link to see the calendar. If you want more info just click on the entry and get the details. If you have anything that should be added to the community calendar drop a line with the details to me at leo@nladallas.org and I will send them along to be listed.

Go, support, and be a part of your community! Hope to see you!

Boy Leo

Aug 052013
 

Hello!

It’s that time of year again when I start reminding you that Beyond Vanilla is coming up and we are looking for silent auction donations.

This year’s auction beneficiaries are:

We will be happy to accept your contributions of legacy leather, handmade toys, event passes, gift baskets, old toys (in good condition), clothing or anything else you might want to contribute. The Virgo in me would very much like to have any contributions in-hand by 9/20 in order to make set-up go a little smoother. Please let me know if you need to arrange pick-up of items. I’ll make sure we get someone to you.

Oh, did I mention: at this year’s event, BIDDING WILL START ON FRIDAY!

I look forward to hearing from and seeing you have a kinkalicous time at BV XXIII.

Berlin
Silent Auction Chair
Beyond Vanilla XXIII
silentauction@beyondvanilla.org

Aug 012013
 

Shrink Rap! (August 2013)
Dennis C. Hartzog, M.Ed., LPC

Hi! Welcome to “Shrink Rap!” My hope is that this monthly column will be a safe place to discuss issues related to having a safe and healthy Kink/Leather/BDSM relationship. I encourage you to submit any questions you may have, or issues that you would like to see discussed to my website: www.Dchartzoglpc.com. You do not have to divulge your name or scene name, and can remain anonymous. If you go to the “Contact Me” page, just fill the first three boxes with “X’s” and put your question or issue in the message box and I will get it.

QUESTION:

I have been in a committed relationship with the same man for several years. We care about each other a great deal, share values, are out to our friends, families, and at work. We share an interest in travel and enjoy our times together going to new places. The only major ripple that we have had is that I am very into Kink/Leather/BDSM and he is totally vanilla. There is compromise needed in every relationship, I know that. Both of us entered into this knowing how the other felt. He has tried several times to try being submissive with me, or the Top, but even when he is being technically good at it, it just falls flat for both of us because his heart isn’t into it. We entered into our relationship with an agreement for monogamy. Getting back to the compromise point, he says he’s given all he can in that area, so now he won’t even try kinky things. I’m feeling that if I compromise, I’d have to give up kink. Totally unfair, and I’m not willing to do that. It is a part of who I am. A few months ago we had a major argument over this, and I just finally said that I wasn’t going to give this up and if he continued to not make an effort to be more kinky for me, it would be the deal breaker in our relationship. He gave in and consented for me to have non-sexual play partners. So I have. The problem is with him. He used to be up for doing things together, was active around the house and with our friends, had a great personality, funny, all the things that made me fall for him. Now he is moody, seems to be overly critical and irritable all the time, has gotten more sloppy in his appearance at home, and spends a lot of his spare time just sitting around the house alone in a rocker. Sometimes he just won’t stop rocking do something. I’m pissed and angry at this passive aggressive way of trying to make me feel guilty and give up kink. That’s emotional abuse! How can I get him to come around?

ANSWER:

You’re so right. Healthy stable relationships require compromise and flexibility, from all individuals involved. You mentioned that your partner had made attempts to compromise by trying various kinky things with you, but that his heart wasn’t into it, and therefore it didn’t work for either of you. What you didn’t mention was what things you tried to compromise on. You couched compromise on your having to give up kink. You are both within your rights to have decided on what you each will and will not do. But having taken that position, what do you then do? What happened next was: “He gave in and consented for me to have play partners.” That’s when we start getting into potential/possible emotional abuse in your relationship. Your partner “gave in” after you told him that it would “be a deal breaker” for your relationship not to agree to that. There is a vast difference between informed consent and giving in. Consent is not forcing or coercing someone to do something that they truly don’t feel they are comfortable doing or is in their best interests. You issued an ultimatum, so he agreed without really wanting to do so. That “agreement” was hollow, didn’t resolve anything, and planted the seeds for the current problems between you.

I don’t know what’s going on in your partners mind. His behavior could be passive aggressive, but based on the information that you provided, I doubt it. You have described an individual who is exhibiting symptoms of depression…i.e.: moody, overly critical, irritable, decline in personal self care, increase in withdrawal, and possible loss of interest in usual daily interests. What you call emotional abuse on his part to make you feel guilty, I’m betting (with more information a proper assessment needed) is a clinical depression.

The goal here is not how to “get him to come around.” The healthy goal here is to get your partner to his family doctor or mental health professional for a proper assessment of his depression and appropriate treatment recommendations. Depression is like ivy….ignored or left untreated it will continue to spread and strangle the life out of its host. Nothing productive concerning you being kinky and your partner being non-kinky is going to happen as long as he continues to be as depressed as you describe him. Move his mental health to the front burner right now, and put the kink vs. non-kink issue on hold and suspending your kinky play activities until his depression is significantly less pronounced.

The number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Aug 012013
 

I have received feedback several times in the past few months that there is a lot of talk about what NLA Dallas DV Project is planning/about/going to do.  Well, that is fair and very true.  Things in the mental health field don’t just happen quickly….there is much discussion, exploration of various options, establishing mutually agreed up goals planning, and implementation.  This may seem like a rather lengthy and rather long time consuming process, and it is.  In my field we make decisions about the lives, well being, and safety of individuals experiencing trauma. We take that very responsibility seriously and make every effort to ensure that our interventions are based in their best interests and above all else, “do no harm.”

Lex, Artemis, Beth, Rob, Hardy, Jim and I have begun the actual work on developing the training program requested by the National DV Hotline administrators.  Work meetings will continue every two weeks from now until October, our model will be presented to the Hotline Administrators in November, and training will begin in Jan. 2014.  This will mark completion of the first stage of a training project that in total will take two years.

New NLA Domestic Violence Project education/out-reach/referral materials are ready to be sent to the printer with the goal of have over 2000 handouts ready for Pride.

And as a major part of NLA Dallas Domestic Violence, the national survey on DV within the BDSM/Kink/leather community that I discussed at an NLA meeting last spring as something that as Chairperson of this project I thought was critical in our future efforts to establish an effective advocacy and working relationship with local, regional, and national DV service providers and agencies concerning needs and barriers to our members who are victims of DV in seeking and receiving adequate treatment.

Up to that night, such a survey had never been done, and it was a personal and professional dream of mine as a psychotherapist working with DV victims from our community.  Some of my peers called a “pipe dream” that no one would be interested in.”  I of course disagreed.  At the end of that meeting Beth approached me, introduced herself, and said “I’d like to do that as a research project.”

After that meeting, in my office she and I had come up with the majority of the survey questions, based on my knowledge and experience and what data/information mental health DV service providers and agencies would want to have.  Over the next few weeks, Beth modified, enhances, added, subtracted, we discussed, questioned, and with her research expertise, the draft version was done.

Well, the survey is now reality!  It’s up on a web-site, and will also be on the NLA Dallas, Woodhull, and NCSF web sites by the end of today!  The National DV Hotline and the National Dating Abuse Hotline will also refer callers to this survey site!

Later this afternoon I will be e-mailing out the following announcement-invitation to personal and professional folks I know who are leaders and officers in our community in NYC, Washington DC, the CDC in Atlanta, officers in the 15 Assoc in SF, Hell Fire in Chicago, LA, Phil Darby owner of the SF Citadel, and my peers who advised me the my idea of this kind of survey was a “pipe dream.”

Some damned “pipe dream” indeed!

Aug 012013
 

All interested individuals who are involved in BDSM/Leather/Kink lifestyles are invited to participate in a survey about intimate partner abuse. The purpose of this survey is to gather information regarding the quality of experiences had by those who sought help from domestic violence service providers, or those who wanted to seek help, but did not do so. The overall goal is to help service providers and outreach educators improve the quality of information, responses and interventions regarding the unique needs and experiences of individuals who live a BDSM, Leather or kinky lifestyle.

You are invited to take the survey whether or not you have been involved in an abusive relationship because the survey will collect basic demographic information about those who engage in BDSM, Leather and/or kink, as well.

The survey link is available here: https://www.psychdata.com/s.asp?SID=155554

The survey will take approximately 25-35 minutes to complete.

Please respond no later than January 31, 2014.

Your participation is voluntary. All responses are anonymous. However, there is potential risk of loss of confidentiality in all email, downloading and internet transactions. The final results of this study will be used for research and may also be published in a summary format in a peer-reviewed journal.

If you have any questions about the survey, please contact Elizabeth Fawcett, Ph.D., M.P.H., at efawcett@mail.twu.edu. This study has been reviewed according to accepted Institutional Review Board (IRB) procedures for research involving human subjects, and approved. If you have questions about the rights of research participants or the way this study is being conducted, you may contact Texas Woman’s University Office of Research and Sponsored Programs at 940-898-3378 or via email at IRB@twu.edu.