Dennis C. Hartzog, M.Ed., LPC

Hi! Welcome to “Shrink Rap!” My hope is that this monthly column will be a safe place to discuss issues related to having a safe and healthy Kink/Leather/BDSM relationship. I encourage you to submit any questions you may have, or issues that you would like to see discussed to my website: www.Dchartzoglpc.com. You do not have to divulge your name or scene name, and can remain anonymous. If you go to the “Contact Me” page, just fill the first three boxes with “X’s” and put your question or issue in the message box and I will get it.

QUESTION:

My Mistress is younger than I, and new to the scene. We’ve been playing for about two months. There are a lot of things about the relationship that I like and enjoy. The problem is that she just doesn’t spend enough time with me after a scene providing aftercare. I really get into deep sub-space and I just feel that she’s being emotionally abusive by not taking the time with me afterwards that I need to make sure that I’m back to the “here and now.” I’ve discussed this with some friends, but not with her. She’s so new and not secure about her role and I don’t want to make that worse for her. She doesn’t understand my needs and I’m thinking of ending things with her to find someone more experienced. What do you think?

ANSWER:

I’ll answer your last question first: I don’t think that you’ve given your Mistress a fair chance to understand your needs. If you have never talked to her about your concerns that you are not receiving enough after-care after a session, I’m wondering how she would know that this is a problem for you. I don’t think that she’s being emotionally abusive. If you had talked to her about your after-care needs, and knowing that, she still choose not to spend more time with you, that could be considered emotional abuse. That is not the case however. No one can read our minds. It is our responsibility; Top/bottom, Master/slave, Dom/sub, Mistress/slave…all need to understand their emotional, psychological, physical, and spiritual needs and then communicate them openly and clearly to their partner(s). If we fail to do this, we are not being fair to our partners, or to ourselves. You said that she is “not secure about her role.” You can help her by giving her the information that she needs to be more effective in meeting your needs. Ending this relationship to “find someone more experienced” isn’t going to help much if you continue to withhold important information from whoever you choose to play with. This is a fixable situation: Just add a healthy dose of candid, honest, communication. Repeat often!

The number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233).